It happened...

It happened the other day without expectation, in the simplest of moments, and like a sudden wave hit me...I felt like a mom...

That may sound ridiculous because Kate and Maddie are 4.5 months old. To be honest I struggled bonding with the girls at first. Their NICU time took a bigger toll on me than I think I realized at the time. I loved them from the first moment I saw them...but I missed out on those early days of just holding them. My holding time was 10 minutes per day...10 minutes out of 24 hours...that's it. Then that increased to 10 minutes per shift...then more frequently. I wasn't able to enjoy the first few weeks of newborn cuddles, instead I had to always put them back. In their first months home, I was too overwhelmed with it all that I forgot to just stop...and enjoy precious moments.

So earlier in the week as the 45 minute-intruder hit during naptime, and I could tell they (yes...two crying babies!) were just escalating. I entered in their room to soothe them...not frustrated...not angry...not wondering why they won't just be super nappers...Instead I scooped them both up (thankfully they are still small enough to do this...what will I do when they are bigger?!?!) and began to rock. I rocked them for probably 45 minutes...that's when it hit me...I was their mom...these were my children...these were the moments I will miss when they are 16 and moody. There was nothing more important at that moment, no blog reading, bills to be payed, laundry to be folded, or floors to be swept for the 100th time this week...I was a mom and moms are meant to stop and hold their babies...

It was a precious moment that I hope I never forget. I seriously almost cried in the moment...and I'm not much of a crier! ;) I was in awe of God's blessings, in awe of His goodness, and in awe of two beautiful creations...

I'm a mom...I wouldn't change that for anything!

Slow and steady wins the race...

Our pediatrician was pleased with the girls growth. Maddie is actually in the 5%! Woohoo! We are hoping that it doesn't slow like most babies around this age, and that weight gain progresses well! He suggested holding off starting foods until 6 months to make sure they continue to get the extra calories from formula needed. Their development is keeping on track with their real age too! ;) We will go for a weight check in a month to just touch base and monitor growth! They are eating so well, not uncomfortable, and growing...that's all we pray for! :) 

We love these little girls more and more everyday...

4 months!

Katherine and Madeline turned 4 months old yesterday! Their growth and development this past month has made life so full of joy! How can you not love those precious smiles?!?!? 

Pictures again?!?!?

I don't know about this...

Okay...We will be happy!

But let's talk about it first!

Madeline:

-Weight: 4 month appt on Thursday! You now look like a real baby too me! Hoping you are for sure over 11 lbs!
-Your eating is all over the place...You take about 3-5 oz during the day, but then 7-8oz for the bedtime bottle! 
-0-3 month clothing
-Sleeping 7:30/8:00-7:15/7:30 for the past month! 
-Reaching for toys on your back and tummy, "talking" more, bringing everything to your mouth you can, 
-Love love love love love your dad! He makes you laugh the best!

Katherine:

-Weight: My itty-bitty girl! Hopefully you will be a solid 10lbs! Your features still are so small, and you still have the "preemie look" 
-0-3 months clothes...still pretty big on you! 
-Since increasing your Prevacid you have been eating well! Spit up has improved some too! I don't find it in your crib when waking you! You eat about 21-24 ounces a day every 3-3 1/2 hours.
-Sleeping 7:30/8:00-7:15/7:30...the other night was the first night you woke up in a month. Around 4:00 your head was smashed against the side, then around 6:00 your arm was stuck! You move all around your crib! The tacky "breathable bumpers" went up! 
-You talk ALL THE TIME! I leave the room, and I can hear you down the hall...not sure if you are talking to Maddie or yourself! Your favorite time to talk is after your bedtime bottle! Makes it hard to say goodnight! 


Naps:
Whew! It has been a tough few weeks. We started unswaddling during naps probably a little too early, but they were fighting it so badly that we dropped them last month. Now during naps the "45-minute intruder" has hit! Things really have improved, and they have been able to get themselves back to sleep quickly. There were some very rough days where I felt helpless. I couldn't calm them down, no passies worked (I've tried them all!), and the only thing that worked was to rock them...well that isn't always possible with two babies for a 1 1/2-2 hour nap! I knew they were still tired, but just couldn't self-soothe. I prayed for much wisdom during this time. I laughed the other day as I was praying thinking about how great our God is that he will listen to my simple prayers about naptime! ;) I don't mind them crying some...I've set myself a time limit for when I go in to soothe...and have really understood their cries more. It's such a battle to do what is "right" in the sense of what will help them in the long run, yet still provide and care for their needs. Things have improved, and I feel like I am able to just take it for what it is right now! 

Eating: 
First off...thank you to everyone who has sent encouraging comments or messages to me. I know that all moms have been in my shoes whether it is with eating or something else! 
We have seen an improvement in the girls since the increase. Things are still uncomfortable at times, it seems to be the worst after their meds?!?! At times you can hear their stomach churning! Maddie has really responded to me holding her while I feed. With twins you really miss out on the intimacy of feeding, so I have tried to really take advantage of those moments. 

The months are flying by, we could not feel more blessed, and we look SO forward to the months ahead! 

"Watch over thy children, oh Lord, as their days increase. Bless and guide them wherever they may be, strengthen them when they stand, comfort them when discouraged or sorrowful, raise them up if they fall, and IN THEIR HEARTS MAY THY PEACE WHICH PASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING ABIDE ALL THE DAYS OF THEIR LIVES, through Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen." 

Reminders...

The "worst" moment of their NICU stay

It's days like these that I have to remind myself of how far we have come. These days were far worse than no napping, crying, fussy, eating issues, spit up everywhere kind of days...

Our days lately have had their ups and downs. After the girls started Prevacid we had several great weeks of eating! They were taking 20-25 ounces a day, up from struggling to take 18-20. Then all of a sudden last week things started to regress. Back to crying/screaming/throwing back while eating...and struggling to get them to take in ounces! It took us an hour one night to get Kate to take 4-5 ounces. It is heartbreaking to see them in so much pain...and not feel I can do anything about it. We were SO grateful to have our pediatrician call mid week. He then told us to give them the same dose, but twice a day. A day or so passed and we could see a difference! Today they took in great volume,  but not without some discomfort. Praying as the days pass things continue to be less uncomfortable for them.

So many precious friends have offered to babysit the girls. As much as we want to get out and be able to take advantage of the offers, we just can't right now. Not only can Kate and Maddie get very discomforted eating, it can still be VERY labor intensive. Both girls get super figety, Maddie now tries to hold the bottle but ends up pushing it, if they need to burp you CANNOT resume eating until that burp is out, spit up is endless, at times it seems like they are "done" after 1ounce ..but you have to figure out how to get them to take more. Even now it has become harder for Matt to feed them...they just want to talk and play...(already he is the fun parent...jk) I have to many times stop, take some breaths, and sometimes even have to step out of the room. Obviously it isn't their fault eating is hard...but frustration sometimes gets the best of me...I may or may not have loudly said "Why can't we just eat like everyone else's baby?" Then placed(thrown) the bottles on the ground the other day. Mom fail! Yes, I know not "everyone else's baby" eats perfectly! :) This season continues to be a challenge because I feel so trapped and confined...yet SO joyful and happy with these two blessings at the same time!

Kate and Maddie have come so far! I know that things will continue to change and improve with eating! Now naps...whew....that's a whole other post! Lord help us! ;)